I write this not knowing where I’ll finish, but knowing I wanted to write to you all.
Recently, I’ve been living in a state of contradictions. Struggling with feelings of overwhelm and burnout alongside deep gratitude, appetite for life and inner peace. I am in a state of flux and change in more ways than one, whilst firmly planting my roots in my home, understanding myself and healing.
As I approach my 30th year, I wonder whether it’s a normal state we all go through. If that’s why they say 30 is the new 20. Although, I definitely don’t want to relive my 20s. I’m ready for a new beginning and a slower, manageable, sometimes predictable, consistent life. But one still open to adventure, spontaneity and excitement.
I spent my 20s wrestling feelings of inadequacy, ego and self pity. I never felt good enough for those around me. Constantly underperforming against my unrealistic standards. Punishing myself for this cycle. Needing to be needed. Too weird for one group, but too traditional for another. Ultimately, lonely, depressed and suicidal.
Yet, I also spent this decade doing and trying it all (mostly) fearlessly. I graduated with a Masters degree. I traveled the world. Ate all the food (and drink… but we won’t go there today). Left home. Had different kinds of relationships of varying lengths, and long periods single. I became a runner. I fell in love with skating again. Starting kayaking. Changed careers. Gained and lost friends. Fell in love. Got a dog. Moved to the seaside. And much more.
I reflect on the fact that often our conversations around mental well-being online implore us to “take X steps” and you’ll feel fine. Understandably, with the limited word count, social media algorithm, and obsession with “digestible” short form content we can’t spell it out in complex terms. But my experience is that life has other plans for us no one diet, pill, exercise routine or style of living can solve.
It is important for us to have routines, eat with our gut and brain health in mind, exercise frequently, foster a sense of community, nurture close relationships, work somewhere you enjoy, live in a place that brings you calm, … , get therapy.
But it’s also important that we understand you can do all of those things and still struggle. That your mental health may be blooming in one aspect of your life while slowly (or not slowly) deteriorating in others. We simultaneously can and can’t have it all, all the time.
There are days I wake up and feel rejuvenated and others where leaving the house feels like climbing a mountain. Days I want to be in the hustle of a vibrant city and days I don’t want to talk to or even see a human soul.
The truth is, I’m still learning who I am and what I need, whilst simultaneously being the most sure of myself I’ve ever been and that’s hard to navigate.
My life is changing again soon (more on that another day) and change brings about change. Good and bad. Exciting and terrifying. All at once.
If you stayed, I hope you found something in my ramblings. Until next time…
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